i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
