Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
