At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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