grandma shit on top of the toilet
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
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Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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