haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
