Sry I called you an 8
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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