Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
