You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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