I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
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You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.