Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You ate ashes out of my bong
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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