I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
