i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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