Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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