I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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