where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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