I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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