I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
