i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
