New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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