I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
