My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
