i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hippo gnu deer
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
