woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
