At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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