I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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