WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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