No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
