Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Sorry about my life...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
