chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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