This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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