Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize