Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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