dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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