You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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