I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
