More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
