i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize