I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
