i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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