College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
