Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
