Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
