you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
