It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
