the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
