so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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