i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
