In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
