Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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