I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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