i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
