I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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