in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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