I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
