I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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