My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
