I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
