Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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