I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
